Hey Kissnation!!!

Oh my goodness I haven't updated in like 8 years! So I just wanted to drop in and give ya'll a quick update (for my friends that still actually use this site lol). If you didn't already know, Ace and I are dating...going on 4 months now. I've never been happier and I never knew someone could be this wonderful. We have started chatting a little bit about getting married but we've got a lot to get done before that can happen...aka school for me and military for him. Life's going pretty smooth right now. I just got accepted for an internship at Walt Disney World in Florida and I'm so excited! I'm waiting on the parentals to let me know what they think about it. My life has changed so much in the past 6 months, it's unreal. But with the love of a Savior and a great group of people around me, things look much better without looking through a bottle. Anyways...gotta get ready for class. *muah!* Leave me some comments, let me know what's going on in your worlds!

LOVE YA!
~*Jai*~

Wow....been forever since I updated this darn thing. So basically "Over You" by Daughtry has become my theme song for that past situation. I don't hate...and my hurt is slowly fading. So much has happened lately. I'm pretty sure that you all know everything since my life has become an open book for the kissnation lovers to feast upon. It's amazing to me how you begin to get to know someone and just when you think you might see a little of who they are, they disappear. So has become customary for most of my "love life." I begin to feel again and then something happens. I can most often cast blame upon myself for this discrepancy. I won't name names, too mature for that. (At least I hope I'm mature...I'm sure that's been questioned) But, I am breathing. School has come through in full force and given me a beautiful distraction from the turmoil that the opposite always seems to find in me and bring out. BLEH! (the title of this post for a reason) I've found that expression usually helpful to me. Just one of those words one may exclaim in times of throwing their hands up and giving up. Go figure...I thought I'd find it in him. And guess what? I was wrong...you'd think I'd learn. -sigh- Oh well...I do not have ill feelings. Another failed romance.....*dwelling*

I'm done...time is seems has run out for me. A paper beckons...I'll try to update again soon.

*muah!!*

Jai loves ya'll!

OK...here we go. I'm going to try and explain this with discretion and maturity. (tough combo) I have a few pet peeves. For the most part, I'm laid back about many things and forgive very easily. I can't stand being ignored. Well...that happened a little too much for my taste. I HATE HATE HATE being lied to. He did plenty of that. One person. A person that I trusted with EVERY ounce of my being. Trust...something that, until this fiasco, I gave away freely and did not let be earned. He, however, claimed my trust long ago. Letting him into my world was an act of simplicity. The lies began there. As our friendship, grew the advances progressed with gentle words and beautiful smiles. I finally dropped my guard. My heart's barricade suddenly vanished. Vulnerable, my defenses were shattered and I forgot who I used to be. I let all past suffering disapate into oblivion. I gave him a gift one that could not be returned...all of me. As the time progressed, I saw myself die in his eyes. The stinging rumors flew as head was filled with the doubts of affection. I believed, however, in the lies that he whispered in the dark behind the closed doors of deceit. I listened to him tell me that they were wrong and he wanted me as "his." Blinded by my love, my heart yielded once more. Finally, just as you see in the movies and hear in those sweet ballads of promise, we were "together" and I allowed the luxury to myself of breathing in every trace of this beautiful person I saw inside the outside shell of pain. Inside my glass world, so perfected and innocent, I dwelt in sweet ignorance. Swiftly, a stone shattered the walls of my feigned romance. A call that will be forever sewn into the echos in my mind, a call I wish had never come. Never has lament filled my soul in such a way, or tears flowed with such extreme abundance. I am broken, broken to my core. Traveling home after that call proved challenging. If I correctly remember, I nearly escaped four severe wrecks. (Word to the wise, when you are upset to that point, DON'T DRIVE! Pull over and get your crying over with...) My tears were not wasted, in my opinion. I have learned some interesting information in the proceeding days of this one that shook me even deeper into this depression I've discovered myself in. The blade has pierced me further. As you see from my display name, I am slowly, and lastly, happening upon the fact that he didn't really care at all. Typical of most men I'm learning. My boss, who I've learned to be very intelligent, made a suggestion to me that I might not refuse. She suggested writing a book on my many failed attempts at love. A chance to see how far I've come and where I am lacking in my decisions. The idea has not left me and I believe I might stab at this. Nothing to be mass published, just something to cleanse my heart. I do not believe he will ever read this but maybe, just maybe if you are...you know exactly who you are. Or maybe someone else will pass this message along to you. You did not destroy me. I am broken but not defeated. I have lost faith in love, that you can take pride in. I hope it's a feat that will forever haunt you. You had me. You had a girl who would have walked through fire, rain, snow. I had so much to offer you, but you missed out. You hurt me...I hope you're pleased. I won't be down forever. I await the day you miss me, miss that friendship we once shared. I await that day because I won't be here for you to use anymore. I won't listen to your lies, your promises. So to those of you reading this...now you know. Please don't ask me questions, comment if you like. I'm moving past this, school looms ahead and there is where my focus lies. Nothing else matters now. IF you made it through this entire blog, I'm impressed. Thank you for your time, I know it's precious. Much love to you...blessings upon you.